Rent
by benignmilitancy
Summary: Saving the world? Piece of cake. Coming up with the rent? … Not so much.


_Rent_

* * *

"All that for a lousy IOU." Vector clomped across the tiny cubicle that doubled as their office/living room and plopped onto the sofa, arms spread wide as the leather hissed beneath his weight. "Shoulda beat a deposit outta him when we had the chance."

Espio followed, carrying an envelope. Stamped on its back was a miniature wax seal of Dr. Eggman's face. "To be fair, he did have it notarized." Of course, he neglected to mention that it was only due to the swollen nose Vector gave him.

Charmy entered the room last, vigorously thrashing his legs and fists at the air.

"—and then he was like, ' _Long time no see, Sonic, my loathsome copy!'_ And they were like flash, pow! And then he chucked this _ginormous_ ship at them! And Knuckles punched it in half, did you see that? That was so _cool!"_

"Yeah. Fantastic." Vector scratched his belly. "Charmy, get the mail and then grab me the phone, willya? I'm starvin'."

"Takeout?" Espio asked.

"You know it," he said. "Dinner's on Dr. Stickyfingers tonight, boys. Now let's see what he owes us … Do the honors, Espio?"

He squinted at the parchment. "This can't be right."

"Give it here."

 _"Hello, fools!"_ Eggman manifested inside the paper. Littered in bruises and donning a cast on his right arm, he grinned up at them with a chipped tooth. _"You may be wondering where your precious pay has gone."_

"Oh, you have gotta be _kidding_ me!" Vector shouted.

 _"Unfortunately for you brutes, I had to deduct your pay on account of the pain and suffering you inflicted on me. In fact, these particular deductions indicate that I don't owe you the lint in my pockets. Instead,_ you _are to pay_ me _two thousand to cover my medical expenses! I hope you like dressing in flour sacks, kiddies!"_ This idea of "revenge" so delighted him that he erupted into a maniacal fit of laughter, which stopped when he began coughing. The message ended with him accepting an ice pack from an Egg Pawn and holding it to his brow. _"Oh, my aching head_ … _"_

Vector punched the sofa cushions. "We owe _him_ money?" he roared. "After all that?"

"Try not to get upset. Vanquishing evil is its own reward."

"Reward, schmeward! How we gonna scrape rent this month with that kinda dock in our pay?"

Charmy fluttered back inside with a fat bundle of envelopes. "Vector," he called, "mail time!"

"Hey, now, don't drop it on m— _oof!"_ The pile came tumbling on top of him as usual. Sweepstakes, magazine solicitations, jury duty, letters from his nosy cousin Jerome begging for his secret meatloaf recipe … He spotted the electric bill and inhaled. "Time to rip off the next Band-Aid."

Although he usually made far less spectacle opening bills, this time he cracked the envelope open and squinted one eye shut as if peering directly into a vat of acid. And for good reason: what he saw made him balk.

 _"Two hundred and eighty-three dollars?"_

Vector felt a little like choking. How could they have racked up _that_ much debt in their absence? What, did the walls bleed quarters?

Incensed and perhaps a little maddened, he threw the bill down and barged through their individual rooms; his own messy bedroom, piled high with stereo equipment, was dark and silent. Espio's minimalist dojo-esque room used little electricity except for the single bare bulb strung from the ceiling, which was currently switched off.

In the third room, however, he was quick to spot the culprit: a yellow bumblebee TV blinking _'Pause'_ in the middle of a dungeon scroller.

 _"Charmy, you left your game on for a WEEK?"_

"Oops! Almost forgot!" Charmy seized the controller and began button-mashing when the screen flickered out, the power cord dangling in Vector's grip. "Aww, whatcha go and do _that_ for? I was this close to leveling up!"

"Yeah, and y'know what else is about to level up? Our eviction notice!"

"But my _game!"_

"Read a book!" Vector retorted over his shoulder. Charmy flopped dramatically off his bed, groaning facedown in the carpet.

Espio folded his arms and leaned against his paper-screen door. "Have to admit, Luddism doesn't look half bad right about now."

"You shut your smart mouth." He knew he shouldn't have bought Espio that dictionary for Christmas; kid was using it to make him look bad.

He thumped the remaining bills into line at his desk and cleared his gravelly throat. "Look, all we gotta do is get our priorities straight. Let's see if we can cut a few corners." Giving their half-bath an apprehensive glance and seeing its rusty showerhead drip into the tub, he scribbled a note. "Number one: start showerin' at the gym."

"Why don't you ask the landlord for an extension on the rent?"

Dropping his pen forced Vector to root around for it under the desk. "Oh, sure, what'm I gonna say? ' _Yo, Louie, sorry we can't make rent this month, we was busy saving the world from our client's killer robot'?_ He'd think I'm nuttier than a fruitcake. … Found it!" He promptly banged his head with a solid _thump_. _"Ow!"_

The doorbell buzzed, and he shot the chameleon a dirty look while rubbing the back of his head.

"I'll get that."

Louie stood at the door.

Of course.

"You guys have a nice time goofing off at the beach?" he asked. Rather an ironic question, considering his own garb consisted of a Hawaiian print shirt, flip-flops, and chunky black sunglasses with lenses thick enough to stop bullets.

With a slight chuckle, the mouse flicked off his shades and tucked them into his breast pocket. "Ah, I'm just yankin' your chain. I know where you were. In fact, you made a mention in the daily rag."

Vector scrambled over the desk and raced to the door to confirm this. "We did?"

"Sure 'nuff!" Louie beamed, showing them a small clipping entitled _'Missing Chao Found By Good Samaritans.'_ "Was awful generous of you boys to go outta your way to find that family's Chao."

"We didn't _actually_ —" Espio began before Vector clapped a hand over his mouth. "Yep, that was us, all right! We never turn a blind eye to those in need. But, uh, y'know, Lou," he tossed a thumb over his shoulder, as if it couldn't be helped, "heroism don't exactly keep the lights on."

"That does sound like a pickle," Louie mused, rubbing his chin. "Maybe I can give you a job until then? Don't worry. Got an easy one for you."

"That's whatcha say about alla 'em."

"I mean it this time," he said. "You know that Sonic guy?"

Charmy popped up in front of them. "I dunno," he teased, "we _mighta_ heard of him," and flitted out of the way before he could be caught. Espio buried his face in his hands.

Louie brightened. "Great! Can you get his autograph? Ever since he showed up in the news, my little cousin's been dying to meet him, and I wanna get him a nice birthday present."

"Well, that … Doesn't sound so terrible. Consider it done, Lou!"

"I'm glad," he said. "But just remember, if you fail me … " He dragged a thumb across his throat, indicating Vector could look forward to the same.

He chuckled along with Louie as he shut the door. What a jokester.

Or so he hoped.

"So," Espio said, walking toward the phone, "pizza or Thai?"

"Pizza!" Charmy squealed. "With extra pineapple!"

"Don't you have enough sugar in your diet already?"

"Don't you have enough salt in yours?"

* * *

The boys fought for the next two days, much to Vector's diminished peace of mind. Honestly, shredding through Eggman's entire armada was a walk in the park compared to hearing them ripping on each other while planning Lou's get-together. He wanted everything to be perfect; or rather, as perfect as it could be, hosting a party inside a cramped detective agency.

Espio peered over the couch. "Are you reading my dictionary?"

"Yeah, and I don't see what's so great about it," Charmy griped. "There aren't even any pictures in here. How do you _live_ like this?"

The doorbell buzzed, and Vector thanked the crocodile gods for the interruption. "Charmy, put that away! It's rude to read when we're havin' guests."

"Oh! Well, excuse _me_ for tryin' to do what you say and get a proper … " Rifling through the pages, he announced: " … _Matriculation!"_

Espio snorted.

Chaos erupted in the house from that single exchange. By the time Vector unstuck himself from the hullabaloo long enough to answer the door, he tripped. All Sonic saw through the slightly open jamb was him flat on his stomach and Charmy and Espio zipping around with various books flying across the room.

Sonic chuckled. "Looks like you all started the party without me."

Mortification flooded him as he quickly got up and brushed the dust from himself. "Ah, heh … Pardon me just a sec, willya?"

The door slammed. What ensued was a bunch of yelling that basically consisted of Vector threatening to haunt them in their sleep if they didn't behave, which thundered through the walls. He decided to ignore that last little tidbit for discretion's sake.

A mouse approached him from behind. "Sonic?"

"Oh, man, he's here? Where? Can I take a selfie with him?" he teased, pretending to scan a fake crowd. "So where's the birthday boy at?"

The window shutters burst open. Vector stuck his head out, gasping huge lungfuls of air as if having emerged from a deep dive.

"He don't have a cousin," he said. "Do ya, Louie?"

The landlord turned beet red. "S-Sorry," he stammered as he took Sonic's hand. "I thought it'd be weird to ask for your signature myself, but I just really wanted to meet you. I'm a _huge_ fan."

Ducking back inside while the two conversed, Vector was blocked by Espio and Charmy, standing side-by-side in the kitchen.

 _Oh, no. Now what'd ya do?_

"What's wrong?"

Charmy looked down at his sneakers. "Well, um—Vector?"

"What? Don't keep our birthday boy waiting!"

Exchanging reluctant glances, they showed him the cake.

 _HAPPY 50TH ANNIVERSARY_

Vector's glare could have melt steel.

* * *

All in all, the little shindig they had for Lou wasn't so bad. _If_ you discounted the insignificant fact that the 'birthday' cake detonated, coating floor to walls and everything in between with frosting and baked pulp.

The boys dropped exhausted in the other room, having mopped every inch clean, because Vector declared he wasn't going to touch _any_ of it. That left him trying to scrub burn marks off the plates while Sonic helped dry them.

"Sorry the cake exploded," he said, wrestling a soapy pot into submission. "Who knew those candles were actually sparklers?"

"No worries, Vec, it was fun. Never had to lick frosting off my own arm before. Maybe next year I'll convince Tails to give it a try."

If only he had Sonic for a roommate instead of the Dynamite Duo who mistakenly bought those sparklers in the first place, he thought. Well, at least things were never boring around here.

He handed Sonic another pair of plates.

"I'm just glad Lou still let us have our security deposit. Ya really did make his day, y'know."

"He's a good guy."

"Sure," he said. "Lucky for us, it don't take much to make Lou happy. And the way I figure it, anyone crazy enough to take us in for pennies is fine by me. 'sides, I think we got enough goofballs packed into one place as it is. You let these two out on the street and you'll have riots."

"Well, if you say so. But if you ever need a place to crash—"

"I know." His lips curled up slightly. "Thanks, Sonic."

Flicking off his rubber gloves, Sonic returned the grin and gave him a thumbs-up. "Anything for a friend, eh?" Spotting Eggman's parchment nailed to the nearby corkboard, he whistled at the message. "Heh … You guys must've cheesed him off pretty bad."

"Yeah, yeah," Vector said. "Don't rub it in."


End file.
